In that microsecond, while I was trying to answer the “how are you doing” question, my mind wandered trying to find a suitable answer; should I say the truth out loud and let all the floods settled inside me run down the road of people, or should I stick to the most ordinary answer and prevent that road from being destructed by the amount of questions that will be asked afterwards and which might eventually lead to other problems as well and just say “I’m fine”; that was pretty much a battle which I found difficult to stand on any side of it.
Looking at all those faces surrounding me, I realized that “I’m fine” would cut everything short and would save me a lot of explanations, answers, and debates which I don’t want to be part of but which at the same time will reflect my opinion and deliver my thoughts. I ended up saying “I’m just fine” and kept everything inside as if a storm has just passed but failed to move any of those autumn leaves scattered on the ground, even by an inch.
I’m fine; I’m fine because I don’t want to explain that the simplest and tiniest details of the day could easily extract all my energy and just smoothly put my mood off. I’m fine because I never want to hurt your feelings by referring to those annoying jokes and comments which you might shower me with when am not in my perfect mood. I’m fine because I have always wanted to be strong and learn to do so on my own without the help of anybody; I want to teach myself that strength comes from accepting that life gives us the bad before it delivers the good, it shows us the black and the white but gives us the chance to insert the other shades into the picture. I’m fine because I don’t want to overload the world with more struggles than what is already there; we are here in order to change the negative and fix it and not just to add more to it. I’m fine because the energy that I still have should not be wasted on trying to persuade others that not being fine at some times of life is considered normal and that they should always accept it.
I’m fine because I chose to be so, because am still searching for my comfort and happiness, and because that would be the only way I could give others the chance to try and be fine as well. I’m fine because fine is a feeling; it is neither good nor bad, but it is that in between state which gives you the permission to stay in the middle without feeling any bit sad about it.
And that was when I looked those people in the face and met their gaze, smiled, and said that “I’m perfectly fine”; people think that it is the easiest answer to give, but in fact it carries a lot of hidden gems underneath it.